Moon

93 minutes

Winner of the 2009 award for Best Use of Chesney Hawkes in a Movie


I've said before that some of the best films, games, whatever, are the ones that come out of nowhere. The ones that have no real hype or build-up about them. Unsurprisingly, I've always had a fondness for them, since, as we all know, I'm one of those freaks who likes to (and occasionally has to) wander off the beaten track for his entertainment. I hadn't actually heard of this film until I read a glowing review of it in Bizarre (still the only major review of the movie I've personally encountered), and while the magazine's gone downhill of late, it's entertainment reviews are still usually on the money, so I decided to check it out for myself.

Sam Rockwell plays Sam Bell, a miner on the far side of the moon. Sam lives and works alone with GERTY, a robot programmed to observe him and keep an eye on his general well-being. Sam starts having weird lapses, seeing things on monitors, having visions of other people. While out investigating a problem with one of the mining harvesters, he suffers a crash. He awakens some time later back on the base, but is under strict instructions not to leave again. Faking a malfunction in the base, he manages to escape anyway and returns back to the site of the crash. His old lunar rover is still there. More to the point, so is he.

At first, you'd be forgiven for expecting a movie in the vein of Fight Club or The Machinist. You begin thinking it's going to be the tale of a space miner dealing with cabin fever or something like that, before pulling a bait and switch with the second Sam. It's a sneaky move that keeps you guessing past your original conceptions of what the movie is going to be about. To talk any more about the plot would be giving the game away completely, but trust me on this, it's a good one.

Similarly, Sam Rockwell is nothing short of amazing here. Yes, the film is basically Sam Rockwell talking to himself for an hour and a half, but if he wasn't any good, the film wouldn't be anywhere near worth watching. The two Sams manage to have differing personalities, despite being fundamentally the same person. By the same token, Kevin Spacey manages to be weirdly sympathetic as GERTY, despite never raising his voice above a monotone.

Moon is a hard film to talk about, hence this spartan (for me, at least) review. That's mainly because discussing the really stand-out parts, or anything beyond the basic premise, for that matter, means spoiling it, and trust me, this is not a film you want spoiled for you. The other problem with movies like this is that they tend to be slow and ponderous, outstaying their welcome by a good 40 minutes in an attempt at making some vague statement about the nature of humanity. At a mere 90 minutes, however, this is a film that comes in, says its peace, then leaves without incident, and that's probably its greatest strength. It's exactly the right length, and no more, and doesn't try and milk all the emotion it can out of things. And probably for that single reason alone, it stands head and shoulders above all others in its class. Definitely keep an eye out for this film if you get the chance

I'm actually stunned here.

I heard my neighbours out in the hall there. I got up to have a listen in case they started kicking off again. Standard procedure by now, you know how it is.

Cue the neighbours - the woman in particular - cheerfully laughing and joking about how anyone who isn't white should be shot, and how Indians are the most disgusting thing known to man.

One guy admits he thinks Asian chicks are hot. He promptly gets the piss taken out of him and admits he'd 'never go out with one, just fuck them'.

I'm just... wow. I knew they were dicks, but somehow I didn't think their dickishness extended quite that far. I mean, what the shit?

Warren Ellis - Crooked Little Vein

280 pages

This is the book your parents warned you about


Slight confession: I am horribly biased towards Warren Ellis. I don't talk about comics much, mainly because I know so few people who dig them. Everyone and their goldfish loves anime and manga, but comparatively few like comics. But that's beside the point: Nextwave, Planetary, Desolation Jones, DV8 and, of course, Transmetropolitan, all of them rank among the best comics I've ever read Okay, maybe not DV8, but I still have a soft spot for it. So, as you can probably tell, my hopes were high for this one.

Mike McGill is a private eye. Not the hard-bitten kind, unless you count the occasional attack by the monster rat that lives in his office. Mike is charitably referred to early on as a 'shit magnet' - a beacon for trouble, bad luck and weirdness, something he's usually inclined to agree with. While reflecting how utterly crappy his life is, he's approached by the President's Chief of Staff to find a book. Not just any book, however. Mike has to find a back-up copy of the US Constitution. One that sounds more like the Necronomicon than an important historical artefact. And considering the Chief of Staff is worryingly upfront about it's ability to warp minds (and his various drug addictions) that might not be too far off the mark. As he searches for the book, Mike picks up a partner, Trix, deals with a family that would make the Mansons look like perfect neighbours and has a pleasant chat with a serial killer as his search takes him to places he never thought he'd encounter. When a journey starts with 'Godzilla bukakke', you know things are only going to get worse from here.

If you've read any previous Ellis work, two things will probably stand out to you: the creative use of insults, threats and swearing and the air of not-quite-reality always present. No, people don't quite act like that in real life (you would hope) but let's roll with it anyway. And while it's toned down in comparison to something like Transmet, the vaguely surrealistic edge shows up here again on occasion, background characters getting hit with taxis or garotting cattle, naked in the moonlight. Then again, that's juxtaposed with slightly more real strangeness.

Back when the internet first opened, in the days when dinosaurs still roamed the earth and we used to watch TV by candlelight because electricity hadn't been invented yet, things were different. It was like the Old West, as opposed to the more cultured, civilized internet of today: people used the net to share opinions, rant about Star Trek and, more importantly, freak the almighty shit out of each other. You might see a picture of a man spreading his anus open so wide, you can see his back teeth and think it passée, but back then, it was the single most disgusting thing you could imagine. You may scoff, but pictures of genetic abnormalities and elderly gay men sucking each other off was Bad and Wrong. Amongst all these images, you may recall a couple of pictures of a group of rather cheerful, energetic-looking men. You know, the ones who had infused their scrotums up with saline til it looked like they'd stapled fleshy cantaloups to their groins. Yes, I can see you remember now, the rocking back and forward is a dead giveaway. Well, good news: they're in here. As is the Baby Jesus buttplug. And yes, the macroherpetephiles (look it up, kids) in probably the single most infamous scene in the book. The real-life strangeness, both the outlandish and the darker side the characters stumble into, serve to blur the line between the the real weirdness and the unreal weirdness. After a while, you stop wondering what belongs in which camp. You say you've never seen or heard of half the stuff in here, but is that because it doesn't exist, or because you're just not looking?

If there's any downsides to the book, it's the occasional breaks in narrative to get across ideas. One of the most glaring is when Mike encounters Zack, an internet pornographer with a side-market in breaking the boundaries between people, the media and the truth. Yes, it does eventually pay off in the final sections of the book, but at the time it's introduced, it comes across more the writer getting a boner over technology. Which, granted, is probably true, as anyone who reads his various feeds and sites can attest. The characters don't really change much either. Mike and Trix don't really have any mind-shattering epiphanies or revelations that change their lives. Mike becomes a little more open to some of the strangeness he's exposed to, but other than that, nothing much else. Something of a disappointment.

Crooked Little Vein is a quick read, I'll admit, but by no means is that a bad thing. The short, punchy chapters (sometimes an entire line in length) mean you can open the book, read a dozen pages and be guaranteed of encountering something that'll make you laugh, stop and think or recoil in horror. Usually all at the same time. Then again, it's also the kind of book you can easily find yourself reading in a single sitting, in part because of it's length, but also because of the writing style, which flows easily. This isn't a book for the faint-hearted, but screw them, since they're missing out on all the fun. For the rest of you, get this book and read it ASAP. You will not be disappointed.

I'm not gonna lie.

This has been about the most needlessly frustrating week I've had in a while. Seriously starting to get fed up with this bullshit.

If anyone has anything that needs kicked repeatedly, I think I'm your man.

Cromartie High School

26 15-minute episodes

"Dearest Mother... I'm trying to write a review of this show without any Queen references..."


Doing a write-up for a show like Cromartie High is difficult. Not because it's a particularly uneven show, or it's hard to get into or anything like that, but more because you'll probably enjoy it more going into it cold. So, if you haven't seen it, or you're completely unaware of the show, take it from me: it's a great series, funny as hell, and you shouldn't read any further until you've at least watched the first episode. Seriously, go watch it. I'll wait right here.



You done? Yeah? Okay then, back to the review.

At first glance, Cromartie High would appear to be in the same vein as other series like Crying Freeman or Fist of the North Star - very serious, grim character designs with eyebrows that could stop a tank. Of course, that would need to be a very brief glance. Mid-episode. And it would require you to have heard absolutely nothing about the show or its parent manga beforehand. The series focuses on Takashi Kamiyama (at first, anyway), starting his first day at the titular Cromartie High. Thing is, he's a bit of a milquetoast, and Cromartie is a school for outright badasses. Not the best start. As the series progresses, Kamiyama is repeatedly forced to prove how much of a badass he is (he isn't, but he keeps managing it anyway) goes on about 30 class trips, becomes the number one Boss of all gangs in Japan and wonders if he's the only one questioning why there's a robot, a gorilla and Freddie Mercury (even though he looks more like Mike Haggar) in his class.

As you can probably gather, Cromartie High is not a series that takes... well, anything seriously. There's a few vague attempts at consistency, but frankly, if it makes for a funnier joke, they cheerfully throw it out (see: Yutaka Takenouchi managing to show up regularly, despite being stranded in America for a decent time). The short episodes mean that if you didn't find that last bit funny, you're never more than a minute from something better. Worthy of note as well is the dub actors, who pull off some of the best delivery I've encountered in any comedy show. Anyone who complains about dubs being nothing but garbage should be forced to sit and watch this one, it's fantastic.

Cromartie High isn't quite a must-see, but definitely one you should check out, especially if you have a healthy appreciation for the absurd. Even if surreality grates on you after a while, you'll probably still find it funny. And even if that doesn't do much for you, the soundtrack (especially that hideously catchy opening theme) will definitely grab you.

And if even that much doesn't appeal to you, then I'm sorry, but I just don't think we can be friends anymore.

My fellow Britlandians: please sign up here if you haven't already done so.

If you've no idea what's going on, or you're still not entirely convinced on the matter, read this. The bit about Mandelson (who, I should point out, was completely unelected and started pushing all this after being invited on holiday by David Geffen) being allowed to make up whatever penalties he feels necessary, as well as setting up media-sponsored militias should at least grab your attention.

Spread the word on this: this isn't just targeting downloaders, this has the potential to fuck up everyone's fun big time.

In conclusion:

Dear Thinkmeats

Pls to not be giving me weird dreams about girls who used to have an interest in me acting nice to me. All it does is leave me waking up very confused and just a little depressed. Not the best way to start your day.

Not sure if want.

Then again, I actually enjoyed the movie, so...

Okay, bear with me here.

First, give this a listen:



Then listen to this and read the words along with it:



And tell me it's not about Mario, long after having saved the Mushroom Kingdom, hating his life.

Scary, isn't it.

Fuck you, 2009.

Fuck you.

Well, that's the last of my crap put back and sorted out. Still not sorted out my games into the order I like them, but I think pretty much everything else is good. I should probably take some pics at some point, because I know I love looking at other peoples' collections. First thing I do when going to someone's house for the first time is to gravitate towards the bookcase or DVD rack. And if they have neither on show, then clearly they are not to be trusted. This is infallable logic that has never yet let me down.

Thanks once again to tenatzen for keeping an eye on my junk for me. I owe you one, buddy!

epicureal did it BLAME HER NOT ME!

Give me a character from any fandom you know that I know and I will tell you:
a. My favorite thing about that character.
b. My least favorite thing about that character.
c. One person I would ship them with in their own verse.
d. One crossover ship for them I think would be neat.
e. One crossover universe for them I think would be even neater.
f. Their ship from hell.
g. Their song.
h. The title of their biography or autobiography.
i. The last bad dream they had.
j. How they're gonna shuffle off the mortal coil, if they haven't already.

On the one hand, I don't really do the shipping/fandomy stuff, but on the other, I am painfully bored right now, and boredom tends to trump everything. Pretty sure most of you know what shows, comics and games jarbl my harbl by now, so have at it.

1) Get hold of Kenka Bancho: Badass Rumble for the PSP
2) Go to the nearest clothing store, buy a purple shirt, open jacket, cap and geta
3) Decide you are now Jotaro Kujo from Jojo's Bizarre Adventure

5) There is no fifth point, because you just beat the shit out of it with your barely-repressed manliness.

Fun game, but for the love of god, make sure you put some points into speed right at the start, the main character is sooooooo sloooooooww otherwise.

Did I tell you guys about the awesome dream I had last night? I don't think I did. I was part of this three-man unit (me, another guy and a girl) performing missions for the local king in this medieval castle. Except it was one of those settings that also had stupidly high levels of technology as well.

So we're running around, being all cool and awesome, until we're called back to see the king, who in this dream, was played by Ray Winstone (really, it was actually him). We're told to await the visit of a foreign dignitary, who arrives not long later... as a three-headed crab mech who holds the court hostage. The king activates some sort of defence protocol in the castle after a guard destroys one of the mech's heads with an explosive crossbow bolt and.... then something weird happened with time. I can't remember because that was when I woke up.

I tell people I have weird cinematic dreams all the time, but they never believe me.

Also, I had a very scary idea for a game last night that can be summed up with the following equation:

Survival horror + Lovecraftian body horror + Megaman = game I've probably spent my entire life waiting to play. I spent ages on Twitter last night randomly throwing out ideas, all of which came worryingly easily. I'm not sure if I'm on to something here, or what. Either way, something's taking shape in my mind.

Okay, so it's probably a psychic brain parasite, but now none of you buggers can tell me there's nothing up there!

Imma do my Xmas shoppan onlien, cos imma smurt liek that!

*buy one or two things for others, buy tons of stuff for myself*

Wait.

The Suffering: The Ties That Bind

PS2

I'm stuck in Folsom prison, and time keeps draggin' on...

When the first game in the Suffering series was released, it was to critical indifference. It was seen as trying too hard to be dark and edgy, throwing in lots of blood, gore and random swearing simply because it could. This was a Mature game for Mature gamers - read: impressionable teenagers who still think saying 'fuck' is the epitome of cool. First impressions, however, are never anything short of deceptive. Actually play it, and you'll discover that, behind the swearing and the violence and the unrelenting darkness of it all, there's actually a good game behind it. Surprising considering the lengths it goes to to prove it's got a pair, but The Suffering actually had something to back up its posturing. The plot concerned Torque, prison for the murder of his wife and kids. He was being transferred to the brutal Abbot State Prison on Carnate Island, before an earthquake released all manner of evil monsters and freaks. Barely escaping, Torque made it to Baltimore, and is now hunting his old stomping grounds for a man known only as Blackmore.

One of the interesting things about plot of the original game was there were three different endings depending on how you played it. Along the way, there were people you could save or outright kill depending on your actions. Save people, and the story would reveal that you'd been framed for the murder of your family. Kill anyone and everyone and you'd be shown as an irredeemable monster. In the first game, all this would do is affect your ending. Here, it also acts as a sort of experience meter for your Insanity Mode, a sort of berserker mode in which you turn into a giant rampaging demon and rip everything around you a thousand new ones. It was somewhat gimped in the last game, since if you over-relied on it, you'd eventually trigger the third ending of the game, the Beast ending, which pretty much sucked if you were aiming for one of the other two. Here, it's been fleshed out properly. Depending on your alignment, you'll not only get a different form, but different attacks as well. And considering a whole class of enemies requires you to use it, it's probably a good thing.

Outside of that, the game does a lot of other things right. The voice acting is a cut above, with Michael Clarke Duncan doing his best Scary Black Man voice as Blackwood, the main antagonist, and Rachel Griffiths (Brenda from Six Feet Under) as Jordan. There's one or two bad spots, but by and large, the talent on show here is great. Unrelated, but also worthy of note, is the fact that you can switch out of first-person mode and into third person, something a lot more FPSes could stand to do. Considering the speed some enemies attack with, being able to see more around you will save your rear more than once.

Aside from that, the story is, once again, all over the place. You start off arriving in Baltimore, trying to find Blackmore. Then you're attacked by a group trying to capture you to work out how you do that transformation thing of yours (despite it being hinted at in the last game as a mental, rather than physical thing). Then you escape only to find that the entire city has been taken over by the monsters from Carnate, as well as the spirits of a pair of notorious murderers. Then you wind up in another prison, then sewers, then a mining complex, then everything gets a bit Twilight Zone and by that point, you've either stopped playing or caring. Dr. Killjoy, the mad 'experimental' psychiatrist from the first game also makes a return which I'm somewhat split over. On the one hand, his appearance in the first game added a sort of House On Haunted Hill vibe to the proceedings. Utterly out of place, but not necessarily in a bad way, since he was arguably about the only person in the game you could say had any kind of character to him. Here, on the other hand, its harder to argue that, since he barely has any impact on the story, unlike in the last game. He shows up on a TV screen, does a kind of summing up/trial of the player at the end then... well, doesn't do much else. Even worse, it's not until you get to the very end and you look back on both games that you realise that not a damn thing in the story makes a blind bit of sense, even for an action game, such is the scattershot application of the events and plot. Impressive in a perverse sort of way.

Of course, any and all goodwill the game's built up by this point will evaporate swiftly in the face of one small detail. The game glitches like you would not believe. No joke, this game is horribly programmed: I've had CPU-controlled characters refuse to move, blocking my path, falling through floors or failing to trigger the next section. I've had enemies refuse to activate at all, just standing there, seemingly taking no damage or even noticing me. I even had the game crash outright on me, twice! I honestly can't remember the last time I played a console game with such glaring bugs. On a PC, sure, you almost expect it, but on a console... And they all happened at more or less the exact same places with worrying regularity, which, frankly begs the question: did anyone even bother to playtest this game before release?

The original Suffering was a great game, far better than it had any real right to be. Not a classic by any measure, but not a game you'd regret spending time or money on either. The sequel, on the other hand, takes all of that and squanders it, somehow winding up with a worse game in the process. If the game had actually been coded properly, it would've merely been below average, but with the glitches and bugs present (including one which makes the game impossible to finish, should it kick in) there's no way to recommend this. And the ending is non-existent as well, but that should come as no surprise to absolutely anyone. Get the original, but woe betide anyone who goes looking for the sequel: all that awaits you is a litany of disappointment and NPCs glitching up to their knees in the floor.

This one goes out to you, wherever... or whoever... you may be.