Akira Psychoball

PS2

Little known fact: I love pinball. Seriously, love it to bits. While other kids were dreaming of full-size arcade cabinets in their bedrooms, I would've offered up any number of bodyparts for a decent pinball cab. Of all the arcade games out there, pinball arguably requires the most skill: crane games and the like are hideously rigged, and you can brute force your way through virtually every arcade game available - SNK fighting games infamously aside - if you have the credits available. No chance of doing that with pinball, either you've got the moves, or you don't, simple as that.

Slightly more well-known is my love of all things Akira. The manga is one of the best I've ever read, and over 20 years on, the film still manages to outclass virtually everything since in terms of animation and design. Condensing a 2000+ page manga into a two hour movie may not have been the best idea, but for my money, it's still one of the most visually stunning films ever. On the games front, however, it's been poorly serviced, with some of the worst titles ever to appear on any format bearing its name. In order to be classified as the Best Akira Game Ever, it would simply have to have the sole virtue of not being atrocious.

Akira Psychoball is an attempt to retell the epic and complex story of the film through the medium of pinball. Yes, you read that right.

Released in time to cash in on the Remastered edition of the film in 2002, the game is liberally peppered with clips from the movie. While they do look pretty, they're pretty much devoid of any context, so good luck trying to follow the plot. Though if you're playing a pinball game for the story, you have no idea how wrong you're doing it, and you're probably having more fun making up the story yourself so, y'know, go wild!

First thing you'll probably notice is that yes, this is actually a pinball game. Somehow, it's actually a surprise starting it up and seeing all the ramps and bumpers, but no, this really is pinball and we're actually going through with this. You're given a couple of main options to choose from: Story Mode, where you work your way through the tables, clearing targets and goals as you go; Stage Select, where you pick a table and play as you want; and a help mode, which gives you info on what each of the targets on the various boards do, as well as background info on the characters and the vague plot of the film. Thinking about it, that's pretty superfluous, since anyone with any actual interest in this game probably knows who the angsty kid in the cape is and why he's turning into monstrous silly putty, but, again, we'll ignore that and carry on.

So, to the game's Story Mode, a description skirting with the Trade Descriptions Act at best. Each board consists of two parts, a top half and a bottom half, and there are three of each, themed off various set-pieces from the movie. As you hit targets and complete mini-games, you'll progress to the next table. Here's where it gets tricky though: rather than moving tables wholesale, the top part of the table will remain, while the bottom half will be 'switched in'. Once you've gone through all three bottom halves, the top half will change and you'll have to do the same thing again until you've run through all three. Once you've done that, congratulation! You win at pinball!

The pinballing itself is pretty solid, if mostly unremarkable. Once you get the timing right, it's possible to make any and all shots with reasonable regularity. Thing is, on a console, you kinda expect a little more. Consider games like the Crush series - Alien Crush, Devil Crush and Jaki Crush, all popular mainstays of the 16-bit era. These took the viewpoint that on a console, you were never beholden to such boring concepts as, gravity, physics or even reality, and spiced the gameplay up with moving targets, boards that changed physically depending on what you hit, and little monsters that would wander around, giving you points and extra bonuses if you hit them. Hell, they even included bosses if you were any good at the game! Here, there's a few extra cutaway bonus stages, where you have to take down flying platforms, crack open the Akira capsule or destroy SOL, but they're still sadly limited. As for board invasions, I saw a teddy bear wander across the screen all of twice, and in the final stages, you have to dodge blasts from the SOL laser satellite which do approximately bugger all to you, seeing as they tend to fire at the other end of the map from you. And as for actual proper bosses, other than SOL, there are none. How hard would it've been to include a final fight against Tetsuo's monstrous form at the very end of the film, with you trying to ricochet shots off of him?

The other main mode is the Versus mode: two players with two sets of flippers sit side by side with their boards joined in the upper middle. They try to fire balls over to the other person and score when a ball drops through their flippers. First to whatever arbitrary number wins. Really, there's not much more to say than that, the game's simplistic as it gets. No doubt it'd be a hell of a lot of fun with friends while drunk, but as I was annoyingly sober and alone while playing it, it gets a resounding 'meh' from me.

More worthy of note is the music: while they've managed to get the rights to the characters and scenes from the movie, someone somewhere forgot to license the soundtrack. So if you're hoping to listen to all the iconic themes from the movie, tough noogies, original music for you! Actually, that's unfair, the new music is actually pretty good on the whole. Surprisingly so, some of it actually being borderline excellent. There's a few musical nods to the original, so subtle you'd barely even notice, but on the whole, probably the best thing on offer here.

The options are fairly limited: there's no option to switch to the original Japanese voices, surprisingly, and as the game's based on the Remastered edition, you're stuck with Johnny Yong Bosch screaming TETSUOOOOO at the top of his lungs, rather than Cam Clarke. The game also lacks a sound test, which is a disappointment considering the excellent music on offer. There's also absolutely nothing in the way of unlockables: what you see when you start up the game is all you're ever going to get, so no concept art, no way to view the clips, not even a chance to get a look at the artwork on each table. An extra challenge mode - a few dozen tasks of the 'score X points in Y minutes, make Z number of shots, etc. - would've added to the replay value of the game substantially, but as it is, once you've finished the main mode, there's practically nothing else for you to do, and for just about everyone out there, that's the point where it gets buried beneath other, more interesting games.

Psychoball is a remarkably solid pinball game that, as a physical machine, would probably be one of the best around. As a game on a console, however, it's not that great, and as an overall package, lacking. Don't get me wrong, it's a fun game: the gameplay is never anything short of smooth, and the tables are nicely realised. Just that there are things that make a physical pinball table fun, and there are things that make a pinball game fun, and the two are drastically different. If you like collecting Akira-related stuff... well, you've probably already got a copy. If you're looking for something different from the norm, give it a shot. Just don't go in expecting more than pinball.

So... yeah, I may have just completed a pinball game.

Does that count?

For no other reason than the fact it's a great song, and it seems to accompany my current mood.

Yeah, I'm in one of those weird ones again/

Were you the gentleman wearing the Street Fighter t-shirt down at the East Kilbride shopping centre today? I very much doubt it, but on the offchance you were, don't. That t-shirt was made for a girl. A girl about a third your side. Blanka's face was less a snarl of defiance, more a grimace of perpetual agony. I'm just saying, if your t-shirt starts to look more like a sports bra, it's probably a sign you should trade up for one in a slightly bigger size.

And, on a related note, if you were the woman who I held the door open for at the chemists, I hope you walk face first into a wall. No, I was not holding the door open for you to 'undermine your self-reliance as a woman' or whatever bollocks you claimed it to be, I was holding it open as a matter of common fucking decency. They're known as 'manners': perhaps investing in some might be a plan.

Been trying to work up the strength to write up some kind of birthday report, but after I got home on Tuesday, I was rather violently ill for some unknown reason, and yesterday was spent feeling very sorry for myself. My legs hurt as well for some reason. Not sure if that's related or not.

So, in short, RP was fun, and I should probably play while low on sleep more often (though being the de facto leader because no one else can think of anything to do is something we'll need to have words about. Scientific Poles are fantastic, every home should have one. Divide by Warren Ellis failures, somewhat less so. Someone bought me a Balthier figure. One of the big ones. There was no name attached to it. I'm scared.

More later. Maybe.

Anyone using PeerGuardian (a.k.a. anyone using torrents on a regular basis): have you ever checked the history of stuff you've blocked? Blocking guys like MediaSentry and folks who specifically sniff out illegal downloads, yeah, I can get that, but would anyone care to enlighten me as to why several Chechnian power companies, a Saudi Arabian oil company and the office of the President of the Republic of Lithuania have been sniffing around my internets?

Mr. President, it's okay, I don't think me seeding a complete set of music videos by the band Garbage and the Blue Gender OSTs will destabilize the robust economy of your proud and mighty nation. Unless you're wanting in on some of this, in which case, you're alright, my man.

Anyone got any Mad Scientist equipment I could borrow? One of those harebrained schemes I keep talking about is in the offing for once. Just needs that little extra push that only a labcoat, goggles and malformed lab assistant can provide...

Riddle me this, my children: how can anything be called a 'loving tribute' to anyone when you've got a picture of their corpse getting wheeled into hospital? I'd classify that as the direct opposite of a loving tribute, whatever that is.

Were you the girl wearing a Green Day hoodie in the East Kilbride shopping centre today? I very much doubt it, but on the offchance you were, thank you. To everyone else there, it may have looked like you were grappling awkwardly with your hoodie, but chances are, they weren't listening to the Spectre Induction Theme from Mass Effect on their mp3 player at the time. They wouldn't have seen you elevate the simple act of tying a top around your waist into something special. So, for adding a little magic to an otherwise mediocre day, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

And finally, birthday shenanigans are pretty much cancelled due to a general lack of interest. Better luck next year, I guess.

Ladies and gentlemen, the single cheesiest song in the last ten years. Superb stuff.

If thinking that this is the most adorable thing I've seen in days is wrong, being right just started looking a whole lot less appealing.

It's been more than three days and Michael Jackson still hasn't arisen from the grave? Was his performance at the Brits all those years ago just a lie?

I feel so disillusioned and jaded...

Blue Gender

26 30-minute episodes

Mankind sucks. You know it, I know it, even the Earth itself knows it. Thankfully, despite our immense propensity for failure, She's not decided to do anything overt about it. Well, not that any of us knows, at least. Other worlds out there, on the other hand... not quite so lucky about it.

Yuji is a Sleeper. Infected with an unknown, seemingly incurable disease, he is placed into cryogenic storage for a year or two while a cure is worked on. Unfortunately, when he's finally awakened, 20 years have passed and mankind is no longer in charge. Gigantic insects known as the Blue have wiped out the majority of humanity and forced the rest to the stars. A few scattered enclaves eke out an existence here and there, but by and large, this is not our world anymore. He's found by a group of soldiers from Second Earth, an orbiting space colony where the remnants of humanity live. They're looking for Sleepers to assist them somehow in their war against the Blue. Unfortunately, over the course of a few skirmishes, the unit is all but wiped out, leaving Yuji and Marlene, the only other survivor to make it to home base alone.

Blue Gender is a weird show. It forgoes many of the traditions you'd expect to see in virtually any show. Characters are vaguely introduced with original, non-generic designs and you expect them to be important later on. Except they're not, and they won't because they've just be eviscerated by a stag beetle the size of a minibus, all without any warning at all. Blue Gender is not shy about offing characters left and right by any measure, and it's rare that anyone mourns them. Any other mech show, be it Real Robot ("war is hell) or Super Robot ("war is awesome and makes you a MAN!"), would at least have a flashback montage for the death of a long-running character, but not here. It makes a refreshing change, and it does keep you on your toes, since anyone and everyone's a target, but it also makes it damn near impossible to care about anyone when you know they're potentially seconds away from becoming bug bait. Literally, considering the majority of the deaths in the show are literal 'blink and you'll miss it' moments, sometimes comically so.

The other weird thing about it is the random sex scenes. They thin out a lot as the show progresses, but at the beginning, it seems like you can't go ten steps without someone groping you. Yeah, I know, it's supposed to highlight that everyone knows there's a good chance they're going to die horribly any second now and they're desperately trying to find any kind of comfort they can whenever they can - several characters explicitly state this on more than one occasion - but when you see two women molesting each other in the middle of Ops while others look on, barely batting an eyelid, it starts looking a little less than credible.

Thankfully, the fight scenes are much more impressive. The Blue are remarkably resistant to damage, with the result being that a single bug can easily wipe out a whole platoon. Okay, so we're talking about bugs with armour that can deflect bullets about half an inch in width, and it doesn't help that the mechs in this show seem to be made of candyfloss and sunbeams as far as armour plating goes. In any case, the fight scenes are nicely fast-paced and suitably brutal. The mechs themselves receive remarkably little attention, and there's virtually no fanfare whenever a new one is introduced. Indeed, other than one model, which has a very distinct plot-related hook to it, there's every likelihood you won't even notice a new model's been rolled out until several episodes later.

The story itself is decent, if a little heavy-handed on the environmental message, though it all falls apart in the last episode. Blue Gender was released about five years after Evangelion had made its impact (no pun intended) on the scene, and for some unfathomable reason, someone on the production crew thought it'd be a fantastic idea to end this series with a similar metaphysical ending that, again, makes no goddamn sense. Fine enough, except, barring a few ideas about the Earth itself triggering an 'extinction gene', there's no real reason for it. And don't get me started on the 'rocks fall, everyone in space dies THE END' post script which literally comes out of nowhere, that was just taking the piss. In its defence, however, the last few episodes are dedicated to wrapping the story up neatly. Absolutely fantastic considering how many shows, both Eastern and Western wind up running the closing credits before the Big Bad Evil Guy's corpse is even lukewarm.

Blue Gender is a fine action show that tries too hard in the final stretch and takes a wrong turn at Batshit Junction. Ignore the moments of misplaced titillation and the painfully bad closing minutes and you're left with a solid series with some great moments and pleasingly icky enemy designs. And if that still doesn't grab you, imagine its a Starship Troopers spin-off. With the casual nudity seen in both the show and the original movie, it's a closer fit than you'd ever think, and that's before you remember the power armour that they forgot to include in the film.

Isn't he just the cutest little psychopath?

Games Finished

Prototype

Total Games Finished - 7

TV Shows Watched

Lunar Legend Tsukihime

Total TV Shows Watched - 7

Books Read

Simon Clark - Blood Crazy

Total Books Read - 6

Movies Watched

Alien
Aliens
Alien3

Total Movies Watched - 9

Good month this month, I think. Far happier with this month's batch than the last couple, I think the Prototype one's set the bar for what I should be aiming for. What do you think, more off-beat/creative reviews with extra crap thrown in?

Less happy at the fact that I watched the Alien films within the first week or so of the month, but didn't actually get anything written til the ass-end of the month. Same with the book this month as well. Something I should possibly work on.

Anyway, July's batch. Considering finishing off the last three Alien films. Resurrection doesn't bother me much, but the AvP series... TV show I have in mind, book and game are both empty. Recommendations are, as ever, more than welcome, and if I do wind up running the AvP movies, strong drinks and a course of therapy.

Reader's Digest, you just made the list.

I mean, come on, when you get a big scary-looking green envelope with "72 hour notice of document delivery" and "This communication to be delivered to named addressee only" and you have to sign for the fucking thing, your first impulse isn't that it contains sunshine and kittens. Call me paranoid if you will, but I'm a firm believer in the idea that good news never comes in a windowed envelope

Oh fuck yes, I know what I'm getting next time I have spare-

"This item cannot be shipped outside the U.S.A. and Canada."

...my rage shall blot out the sun in its intensity.

Last few days have been... remarkably dull. Nothing on the internet I want to look at, nothing on my HDs I want to see or play, nowhere around I want to go. Decided to start a new game of Psychonauts instead and made it to The Milkman Conspiracy. Even if I live to be old enough to die, it'll still be one of my favourite stages in any game. Screw Cowboy Bebop, this is one of Steve Blum's greatest roles.

Was going to suggest a repeat performance of last year for my birthday hijinks: Microplay followed by Pizza Hut. Then I received an email that they were closing down this Friday.

What a bunch of inconsiderate bastards.

So, back to absolutely zero ideas. Is there anything people want to do? Hell, is anyone actually interested in coming to anything I do suggest?

Have I mentioned how much I hate my neighbours of late? I don't think I have. Because, let me tell you, waking me up at 7am by repeatedly hammering on the door opposite and trying to kick it open? That's a new one. Normally they have the courtesy to do it when I'm still awake. The difference between 2am and 7am is great indeed. If I'd been more with it, I would've called the police and said there was someone trying to break into the house opposite or something.

Oh, and Devil Survivor: when you were talking about an immortal demon god, I didn't think that meant he'd have 'Immortality' as an actual goddamn skill. And while we're on the subject, as long as one person survives and escapes, that counts as a victory! Screw you for thinking otherwise, hippy!

New Megaten game on the DS (Devil Survivor - you see what they did there and you liked it, yes?) is good. A far cry from the other games released so far, unless you're one of those freakish obsessives who have played every game in the series (hello!) and recall a largely forgotten/ignored sub-series called Majin Tensei. First things first, despite what you've probably heard, it is NOT like The World Ends With You: yes it's set in and around Shinjuku, yes it features a 'You must complete this task in X days or you die' mechanic, but that's about it. The battles are turn-based strategy RPG-style, there's about 6 or 7 different paths/storylines/endings with different characters on each one and, sadly, the music really isn't as good. I know, not much of a surprise considering the WEWY OST was phenominal (it could've been 30 remixes of Twister alone and I would've been happy) but even compared to the other games in the SMT series it's not that interesting. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure neither Shoji Meguro not Kazuma Kanneko were involved in this one. Well worth checking out though, especially since we're in for another drought on the DS front. Unless you like Let's Imagine Our Pet Baby Farm Boutique-type games, in which case... well, in which case you probably couldn't care less anyway, since you're too busy irritating everyone within earshot with the most irritating mutant baby noises imaginable. They're called headphones, invest in a fucking pair!

Lunar Legend Tsukihime

12 30-minute episodes

You think you've got problems? Try being Shiki Tonho for an afternoon. for one thing, he's having to move back to the family estate after the death of his father, meeting his sister for the first time since they were kids. For another, there's a series of strange murders going on after dark in the area. And for another, he's just zoned out and awoken in a pile of a girl he doesn't recall dismembering for some reason.

Yeah, I'd say he's got you beat.

Y'see, Shiki is blessed with suck. He has what is known as the Mystic Eyes of Death Perception. Dumb name, I know, but hear me out. What this does is let him see lifelines as a physical presence. Everything has them - you, me, cats, dogs, chairs, running all over us like scribbles. By running his trusty knife along these lines, he can effectively 'kill' the object, no matter what it is. Still doesn't sound too great? Try imagining what would happen if he tried doing it to a block of steel. Or a building. Or the Earth.

As the story opens, Shiki is trying to get accustomed to his new life with his almost needlessly strict sister and their two maids. While taking some time out at a nearby park, he spaces out as a young woman passes by. When next he wakes up, he discovers he's sliced her to pieces and, unsurprisingly, freaks the fuck out. When there's no news of any dismembered women on the TV, he heads back to make sure it wasn't a dream. He's a little surprised when he not only meets the woman again, but she then proceeds to tell him, in great detail no less, exactly how he carved her up into 17 neat pieces. It turns out the woman, Arcueid Brunestud - Arc for short - is a vampire, and was on the hunt for another before Shiki sidetracked her into little pieces. As penance, she asks him to help her, since there's no way she'd be able to stand up to her quarry in her weakened state, and he is somewhat responsible for her current predicament. Feeling just a little guilty, Shiki agrees, and soon realises that absolutely no one around him is exactly what they seem.

Tsukihime is part of the larger Type-Moon universe. If the name sounds familiar, it's probably because you've encountered it in the better-known Fate/Stay Night series, or the Melty Blood fighting games. Or at the very least, the phrase "A CAT IS FINE TOO' All of these take place in the same shared universe, though, Melty Blood aside, there's very little crossover between them. Tsukihime was one of the first projects in this shared universe, and began life as a visual novel. The game, started as a simple piece of amateur work, quickly gained in popularity, becoming one of the most popular games of its kind, even compared to more professional commercial games. Japan being what it is, the game was swiftly snapped up and a manga and anime produced alongside it.

The original game is renown for two main reasons: first off, there's the plot. Like all VNs, it features a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure-style form of play, eventually branching off into one of two distinct storylines. The writing, however, is widely regarded as exceptional, with some of the best world-building and character-based moments seen in the genre. Unfortunately, it kinda goes a little downhill when you encounter the other thing the game is famous for: the sex scenes. Y'see, both Tsukihime and Fate/Stay Night feature several fully-illustrated and scripted sex scenes, and while, in fairness, they are integrated far better than in most other games (none of this 'Oh, she's unconscious, perhaps loosening her clothes will make her feel better' nonsense here) the writing is, well, painful to read. There is an option to turn these scenes off, but the game will always have a sad reputation as a hentai game, turning a lot of people off.

Thankfully/unfortunately, none of this is in the show. I say thankfully, because the sex scenes are, as I said, hard to read. I say unfortunately because much of the character of the game is somewhat absent from the show. Don't misunderstand, it's still well worth your time, just that much of the sparkle from the original source material has been lost in the transition. For one thing, the designs aren't as visually pleasing, somehow becoming a lot flatter. Sure, the original art was a little amateurish, but it had character. In ironing out the creases, they've ironed out the detail and it hurts just a little. As for the writing, that's mainly the fault of it being an adaptation. You're constantly shown tantalising glimpses of a bigger world with more depth just around the corner. Of course, being a linear show, they can't even begin to cover any of it, and with only 12 episodes, even what they do cover is fairly glossed over, vitally important clues and details being given a vague allusion to before being ignored. The pace, on the other hand, I'll cheerfully blame on the writers. After the first main story arc, the entire thing grinds to a halt. Compared to the game, which carried the momentum with its writing and dialogue, it's horribly slow, and compared to the manga, which carries it by being more action-packed, it's positively glacial.

What the series does do that's interesting, is give the proceedings a strange dream-like atmosphere. The show floats along idly, and it made me wish they'd capitalised on some of the weirder moments from the game: the words 'this chair is an eyesore' spring rapidly to mind, as does Arc 'rewarding' Shiki with a visit from one of her minions.

Watching Tsukihime, if you're at all familiar with the parent series is frustrating. Again, it's not entirely the fault of the show itself, though the bland designs certainly don't help. By itself, it's a nice primer to the universe as a whole, and in tandem with the manga, a far less daunting excursion to the series than the game alone would be. As a show itself though, its disappointing. Nothing happens for long periods of time, and it doesn't help that it keeps dropping hints at the bigger picture, making you wonder if you've just seen something significant or not. If you're looking for a basic introduction to the Type-Moon universe - something I'd highly recommend, for what it's worth - this is a decent place to start. If you're looking to watch a solid show, on the other hand, check out Fate/Stay Night or Kara No Kyoukai.

The entire day I've felt like there was something wrong, a disturbance in the Force of some variety. Then, half an hour ago, I heard the news.

First Farrah Fawcett, then Michael Jackson. The world has lost two truly great women this day.

The odds aren't looking good for Liz Taylor right about now, are they.